Broken Hearts
by Curly97
Summary: The story takes place during the first episodes of the second season. Meredith doesn't know how to deal with her feelings for Derek, after Addison has surfaced in Seattle. Who will Derek choose at the end? Will he fulfill the responsibilities of a husband, or will he listen to his heart?
1. Chapter 1

Meredith's POV

If someone had told me six months ago that I would fall in love with my boss, who is the head of Neurosurgery, and have a relationship with him I would have called this person crazy.

I have never had a relationship. I was convinced that it would be better to get drunk on tequila and sleep with men with no string attached, but with Derek it was different. Sure, our start was not perfect, but what start is ever perfect? I was ready to let him be a part of my life. I wanted to tell him about my oh-so-great mother Ellis Grey. No one knows that she has Alzheimer's.  
>I thought that I could trust him because I loved - love him.<br>I should have known better though, Derek Shepherd doesn't love me.

If he loved me, why would he lie to me, his girlfriend, and conceal that he was married? Not only was he married, his wife was extremely beautiful and talented.  
>If this is love for McDreamy, he must love me idolatrous.<br>Was I just the girl he needed for comfort?

The ringing of my phone pulled me from my thoughts.  
>I hadn't noticed how the tears flowed down my cheeks.<br>I was sitting at home in the kitchen, Izzie and George were at the hospital because they were on-call and Cristina was probably at Burke's. The only thing left to me, was a half Tequila bottle that stood in front of me.

When I looked at the screen, my stomach knotted. A message from Derek.  
>In the last few days, I tried to ignore him, even if he wanted to speak to me in the hospital. But the fact that I often met him and his wife, didn't make the mission any easier. I was suppose to hateavoid Addison and Derek at all cost. First he wanted to leave his wife, only to decide later that he wanted to save his marriage?

'Meredith, I know that you're mad, and that you don't want to talk to me, but please let me explain. George told me that you're off. Addison is staying at the hotel. I'm at home at the trailer. Please give me the chance to talk to you.  
>I'm waiting for you,<br>Derek.'

I read the message at least three times.  
>What does he want to tell me? That Addison cheated on him with his best friend. After that he had come out to Seattle, had fallen in love with me, wanted a divorce, but then had thought that he could not so easily give up his marriage? If he wanted to tell me this story, then I didn't want to hear a single bit of it.<p>

But maybe he had changed his mind and wanted to be with me?  
>No, I hadn't begged that he would choose me, I was hoping that life would mean it once well.<p>

I decided to go to the trailer and listen to what he had to say to me.

Nothing worse can happen, right?

Derek's POV

It was now two hours that I had written the message to Meredith. Slowly but surely, I got the feeling that she would stay at home - I couldn't blame her, after I had hurt her so bad. I should have told her from the outset that I have, well had a wife. Meredith is something special, and she deserves something better than me.  
>Just when I wanted to go into the trailer, I saw the flash of the headlights on her jeep.<p>

Now the time had come where I finally had to break her heart - to save my marriage.

When I looked in her direction I was terrified.  
>Her usually so bright green eyes had lost their glance, her movements were tired, it seems she hadn't slept for a long time. She had stopped a few inches in front of me, I could see the circles under her eyes and her swollen eye bags in the light of the moon.<p>

"Hi," she said with a quiet, gentle voice.

"Sit with me," I pointed to the chair next to me.

She made no effort to move so I took her small hand, which felt warm in mine, and led her to the chair.

When we both sat, she suddenly pulled her hand back.

I didn't know how I should start, that's why I looked at her for help.

"Sorry," That was the only word I could think of at this moment.

"Why are you sorry Derek? That you lied to me?" I had never seen her so sad.

I went with my hands through my hair. "I didn't know how I... I should have told you I know but..."

"You had two months, two. freaking. months!" she yelled and cut me off. She was mad and I understood that. "During these months, there were plenty of opportunities to tell me!" Her voice broke. I felt my heart break even hurt me to see her so sad. I'd taken her in my arms and not let her go. She was so fragile.

"But what do you want to tell me what I don't already know?" She looked at me hopefully.

I looked at her for a few seconds before I spoke the words, which I no longer could take back, even if I would have wanted it. My decision was set.

"Addison and I will go back to New York. Please don't try to call or to find me. You have to forget me..forget everything we had." With those words, I broke our hearts. I couldn't stand their anymore and I just walked away into the trailer. She didn't move for a second but I heard her jeep start and back out into the forest.


	2. Chapter Two

Meredith's POV

When my alarm rang the next morning, I thought that yesterday's evening was just a nightmare, but when I read through the message from Derek again, I knew that what happened yesterday was nothing but the pure truth.

He moved back to New York, with Addison. I was stupid to allowed myself the thought that he would leave his wife for me.

'Oh, Meredith, everyone leaves,' I said to myself quietly, 'your mother, your father, Derek...'

I heard Izzie and George come home. Quickly, I got up and went into the bathroom.  
>Maybe a long, extensive, warm shower would help me? I took a long sigh when I realized that nothing would ever be able to help me.<p>

As the warm water ran down my body I couldn't keep the tears back from falling.  
>"Addison and I will go back to New York. Please don't try to call or to find me. You have to forget me..forget everything we had."<p>

His voice sounded so distant as if he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.

When he had said this to me, I never looked back.  
>I just wanted to run away, away from Derek's land, away from Derek's trailer, away from Derek. I wasn't able to look in his blue eyes.<br>He didn't stop me.

It was astonishing that I came back home, without causing an accident.

I don't know how long it was until the tears finally stopped falling. I turned off the water and dried myself off with a towel.

I searched for a pair of pants and a sweater in my closet without looking if they're fit or not.

Yet while I put the sweater on, I noticed that it was way too big - it smelled like Derek.

I silently cursed myself, I have to keep it together and not let him get into my head.

I threw the blue sweater in the corner and this time I payed attention that I pulled one from me. As I pulled the sweater on, his smell clung to my body from his sweater but I just sprayed lavender body spray on and went down to the kitchen.

As I drank my coffee and just wanted to go out, Izzie suddenly stood behind me.

"Hi Mer, is everything ok?"

I turned around, I couldn't look her in the eyes though. "Yeah, I'm fine. I mean, why I shouldn't be fine? I'm fine."

She looked like she had not believed anything I said, but she knew that I wouldn't say more. "You know that we are there for you, George and I." She put a hand on my shoulder.

"Yes, I know...I have to go, the Nazi's probably pissed off, because I'm to late for rounds...See you later."

When I arrived at the hospital I quickly changed into my scrubs. Luckily, I wasn't too late. As Cristina came in I knew immediately that something was wrong.

"Ok, I'm your person, you should hear it from me and not from the stupid nurses...The Shepherds went to New York...Burke told me.."

"I know..." It was real. Derek was gone, I would probably never see him again.

Thoughts attacked me from our time together. His kisses, his smell, his hair, his eyes, his hugs, our sex..the love I felt for him...It was just painful. I had to accept the truth.

I broke down crying. Cristina, for who it is actually quite typical, took me in her arms and spoke to Dr. Bailey.

The only thing I could think of was, that Derek was gone.

Derek's POV

My alarm clock pulled me at 05:30 AM from my sleep. It has been five days now already that I had given Richard my letter of resignation, two days that I was gone back together with my wife Addison to New York City, two days, since the conversation with Meredith. I hurt her so bad, but it was the best for her - for us. I hadn't had another chance! I am married to Addison! 11 years! 11 birthdays, 11 Christmases...

"Good morning." Addison was suddenly standing in front of me. I thought that she was still at the hospital.

"Hey Addie," I got up and gave her a kiss. She smiled at me and stroked my hair.

"You look tired, couldn't sleep? It is probably the time change," she muttered.

"Yes, probably." It felt wrong to embrace Addison. Very quickly, I pushed these thoughts aside.

"I have to go. I don't want to be too late for my first day at work so..." I managed to pull a pained smile.

"Should I make you a cup of coffee?" She wanted to go in the direction of the kitchen, as I kept her on the arm.

"Get some rest. You had just finished a night shift. I'm going to get me a cup of coffee. Do you want to go out for dinner tonight?" This is normal for a happy married couple, right?

Addison beamed at me. "Oh Derek, it's been so long, that we have done something together. I reserve a table at our favorite Italian restaurant for us." She kissed me passionately.

I returned the Kiss, but felt nothing, "Great," I plastered the same smile and kissed her forehead this time before grabbing a coat and walking out the door.

An hour later I arrived at the hospital.

Mark had sold the practice, that is why Addison and I worked now in Mount Sinai Hospital.

Mark, I had heard nothing for months. My little sister Amy had told me that he had gotten a new job offer two weeks ago and was no longer in New York. Maybe it will work out, I guess.

For a brief moment I picked up the scent of lavender, which instantly brought back thoughts of Meredith.

I had hesitated to sign the divorce papers. I wanted to leave Addison, but I have responsibilities as a husband.

I thought of the last time with Meredith. She saved me from drowning, and what have I done to repay her? I broke her heart into a million pieces.

Thoughts of our last kiss, our last embrace, our last sex came over me. It just hurt me and I shook my head to get it out of my mind. I can't keep thinking of Meredith, not like this.

"Ah Dr. Shepherd, I'm glad that I could find you. I'm Dr. Winters." I assumed him at 50, his gaze was friendly.

"You are the Chief, we have talked, right?" I shook hands with the blond man.

"Right. We have a meeting in ten minutes. I want to introduce you to your new colleagues."

I nodded with a half smile, but I couldn't stop thinking about Meredith.

Hope you like chapter two;-)


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith's POV

No one likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. It's scary as hell. If there's an upside to free-falling, it's the chance you give your friends to catch you.

I had barely noticed that Cristina and I were the only ones who were in the locker room.

"McDreamy has already told you?" Cristina was sitting next to me.

"Yes...but I couldn't believe it.." a single tear fell down my cheek and I wiped it away.

"He can be lucky that he's already gone..Otherwise I would have killed him and made it look like suicide..." Cristina smiled evilly.

"Cristina!" I playfully slapped her on the arm, she took me for a brief moment to smile.

"What? He would have deserved it! He has played with you and your feelings!"

"Thank you, for stating the obvious..." I closed my eyes.

"OK, you know that I'm not the girl, who says lovely words to cheer someone up, but seriously..."

Cristina wanted to be nice? OK, she has given me a hug. Maybe the ectopic pregnancy has changed her.

"He didn't deserve you. You told him from the beginning, you don't want to go out with him, but he wanted it so bad! Then when you were in a relationship he thought, that he simply didn't tell you about Satan?" Cristina shook her head to underscore her statement.

"Satan? Who made up for that? You can't forget that she has saved your life." I was so thankful for Addison's help.

Suddenly there flashed a hint of sadness in her eyes, but it disappeared as quickly as it came.

"She did her job. Do you think that it was her idea to go back to New York, so that she has him for her own?"

I even asked me the question."I don't know."

"What did he say to you?" Cristina wanted to know.

"That they'll leave Seattle..together..And that I shouldn't try to call him..." It hurt to tell Cristina what Derek has said. I was just about to cry again, but I had to pull myself together.

"A real gentleman." Cristina laughed.

Somehow, I had to change the subject. "What did you say to Dr. Bailey? Oh s***! We've rounds!" I stood up quickly

"I didn't have to tell her anything. God, the Nazi knows everything. She just said that you should cry and then go back to work."

We went to the nurse's station.

"Cristina?...Thank you.."

"Not worth mentioning...And you can't tell anyone that I hugged you, clear?"

"Clear." I winked at her.

Dr. Bailey was already waiting for us. I wondered, what Derek was probably doing.

The day ran without unpleasant surprises. Of course I was topic number one of the hospital again, but I had accustomed to it.

When I had finished my shift, Cristina asked me if we wanted to go to Joe's, but I politely declined. I wanted just to go home and sleep, no longer thinking about Derek.

Derek's POV

I arrived at 08:00 PM in front of the inconspicuous restaurant. As I walked in I was amazed yet again how well the owner had created a good mixture of modern furnishings and sophisticated ambiance. The restaurant was perfect, chic, but at the same time it invited to enjoy the view and the food.

The fragrance of Italian food was amazing - anything in comparison to what you could eat in the hospital cafeteria.

Addison was already sitting at a table, which was covered for two people.

My wife looked fantastic. She had pinned up her red hair. She wore a blue dress which perfectly matched her eyes.

She stood up and gave me a gentle kiss.

"Hi, you're in time." We sat opposite.

"Of course. I came early from the hospital." I took her hand.

"How was your first day? Did you operate?"

"My day was good. The colleagues are all very friendly. The Chief seems also very kind." I actually thought all day about Meredith. I wondered who had probably now accepted my position as a neurosurgeon at SGH.

'Derek, you sit at dinner with your wife, stop thinking of Meredith. You practically told her that you never want to see her again.' I told myself as I was staring around the restaurant.

"Derek?" Addison looked at me worried.

"Yes?"

"Is everything alright? You seem so absent? Something went wrong with surgery?"

"What? No. I didn't operate today. Tomorrow ." Tomorrow interns would be assigned to me. I loved it to work with Meredith, she was so talented and in the OR we were a good team.

"Ah tomorrow...My day was great. Oh, your mother called and invited us to dinner. I said that we'll come."

S***, I should have asked her about her day. Derek, pull yourself together, you may not think about Meredith. You've decided to give your marriage a chance, so forget her. "That sounds good, probably Sunday, right?"

"Yes, like we used it to do." She smiled.

When the waiter came, we ordered a bottle of wine and our food.  
>I had forgotten what it was like to spend an evening with my wife.<br>We talked about old times and laughed a lot, it was a nice feeling...But somehow it doesn't felt right.  
>I had to force myself not to think about my Seattle-Girl, which I managed in the course of the evening<br>It was the correct decision to go back with Addison.

Addison's POV

I was so happy that Derek chose me over Meredith, after I had cheated on him with Mark, both of us agreed that we could not remain in Seattle, if we wanted to save our marriage.  
>New York seemed the best way. Mark had taken a new job somewhere.<br>Here was no Meredith and no Mark, the fresh start couldn't be better.

I had spent hours to look beautiful for Derek. As he came in, he looked on me, as he had seen me for the first time.  
>It was a great feeling to know that I was the only woman for him. If he missed Meredith?<br>No, now was not the time, to think about Meredith Grey, I wanted to enjoy the evening with my husband.

"Hi, you're in time." He took me by the hand and we sat down. The candle light showed his face in a warm light. He looked at me with his blue eyes.

"Of course. I came early from the hospital." He took my hand again and gently stroked his thumb over my hand.

"How was your first day? Did you operate?" I hoped that he liked the hospital.

"My day was good. The colleagues are all very friendly. The Chief seems to be also very kind."

His eyes became sad. Did he think about Meredith? No, Addie, don't be stupid. Maybe he just misses Seattle? Has he spoken to Meredith? I had to get him somehow, to draw his attention back to me. Oh God, maybe he has lost a patient already on his first day?

"Derek?" I looked at him anxiously.

"Yes?"

"Is everything alright? You seem so absent? Something went wrong with surgery?"

"What? No. I didn't operate today. Tomorrow ."

OK, he has thought about this little..Addie, don't go crazy. She didn't know that he is married to you. If you want to be mad at someone then be mad at Derek or yourself. It occurred to me that Carolyn had called.  
>"Ah..My day was great...Oh, your mother called and invited us to dinner. I said that we'll come."<p>

"That sounds good, probably Sunday, right?" He smiled.

"Yes, like we used it to do." I was happy that he had remembered.

After that evening, I was sure that we could give our marriage another chance.

Please review:-)


	4. Chapter 4

Meredith's POV

They hit you out of nowhere. When bad things come, they come suddenly, without warning. We rarely get to see the catastrophe coming, no matter how well we try to prepare for it.

It was now almost two weeks ago that McAss and Satan went to New York, and if I could be honest, I was not sad anymore, just pissed. Not at Derek, pissed at myself. I was stupid to let him into my life. I'm just not the girl for relationships and God or whatever has decided to show me that in a very painful way, maybe this was the only way to understand it. Now it was clear to me: no more relationships, only sex with men I didn't know.

Fortunately Cristina and I both had this evening off.  
>I hadn't been to Joe's in a few weeks, the bar reminded me of Derek. Now everything should change, scratch that. Everything is going to change.<br>What I needed was tequila and sex, and I'd get both.

I put on the same dress, which I also wore when I met Derek at the bar. Why? It made my a** look amazing

Cristina and Burke was there already when I greeted Joe.

"Hey doc, I haven't seen you for a while" Joe looked at me knowingly.

"Yeah well I thought that I should come more often." I tried to smile. Why couldn't I stop to think about Derek?  
>'Stupid men'<p>

"Let me guess, Tequila?"

"Right. Keep em coming!" I sat at the bar with Cristina and Burke.

"I have heard that Derek now works at Mount Sinai Hospital," said Burke, and immediately got a angry look from Cristina.

"I don't care..." Why must everyone begin to talk about him? I wasn't no longer interested in him - I fooled myself.

"I heard that a new head of plastics comes to SGH." Cristina told to steer the conversation in a different direction.

"Do you mean Dr. Sloan? I have never personally met him, he should be one of the best though. Meredith, have you ever heard anything of him?"

Burke spoke to me? "UM...No...I'm not so interested in plastics...More..."

"Neuro, I know." Burke nodded.

"But maybe She's interested in plastics soon, you never know," Cristina said.

"I have to go to the restroom." I couldn't stand to sit next to a couple. Cristina understood immediately what I wanted to say.

"Ok. I think that Burke and I will go home. See you tomorrow Mer"

When I came back, I decided to talk to Joe.

"Can I have another shot of Tequila please?"

"Sure." Joe brought me one.

I loved the taste of Tequila. "Well, your head is ok? No complaints?" I had to remember how Joe had collapsed after Cristina had told me that she has become pregnant from Burke.

"Everything is fine. I'm glad that I can work again. Walter is so over protective. This man made me crazy."

"It's nice to know that there's someone who loves and cares for you." I'd give anything that this person who worried about me was Derek.  
>STOP!.<p>

At that precise moment, a blond, handsome man sat down next to me.  
>The night promised to be good.<br>He was sexy as hell.

"What can I get you?"

"a double SINGLE malt scotch please."

'No, no, not Derek'

He turned to me. "What do you want to drink?"

"Tequila."

"For the beauty here a shot of Tequila", he called out to Joe about the murmur of the crowd. "So, you live here in Seattle?" The hot guy wanted to know.

"Yes, I moved here a few months ago, for work." I confirmed

"Ah, then you can show me something from the town? Actually I'm from New York. I moved a month ago to Seattle."

"Why not" He had no idea, that I would throw him out after we had sex and didn't want to see him again.

"Oh, how rude of me, my name is Mark." He held up his hand.

"I'm Meredith." I shook his hand. It felt warm and soft.

We drank and chatted until most of the guests were already gone.

I put my hand on his thigh and asked quietly "you want to come with me?"

He smirked. "To such an offer I won't say no." Joe ordered us a taxi, which brought us to my house.

I was glad when I finally opened the door. We couldn't keep our hands of us as we made the way to my house. George and Izzie were apparently not at home, and even if they were, it didn't interest me.

"Do you live alone?" asked Mark, between kisses.

"No, but my roommates aren't at home." I didn't want to talk anymore, just forget everything.

While we went in the direction of the living room I would be almost stumbled, but Mark took me in his strong arms and carried me into the living room. — somehow made me feel not so alone in this world.

We were lying naked on the sofa. I looked challenging at him.  
>Derek was the last one I had slept with, I wanted that to change.<p>

I groaned as Mark entered me.

Immediately thoughts of Derek flashed, our last time.

"Derek!" I screamed loudly.

"Addison!" Marks movements became faster and faster.

Did he said Addison? Probably I had imagined that.

I hadn't much time to think about it, as I exploded in ecstasy.

Derek's POV

I had amazingly quickly settled in New York City. I liked the work at the hospital, even if it didn't compare with the work in SGH.

The interns were relatively talented, but in none of them, I could discover the talent which Meredith had.

Meredith. Was she all right?  
>I absolutely had to stop to think about her. The only thing which should count for me was my marriage. That is why I moved all the way back to New York, right?<p>

My last surgery for that day was an aneurysm clipping. I was hoping that it wouldn't take six hours like yesterday, because I had promised Addie to watch a movie tonight with her at home. We didn't had sex yet - and somehow I didn't know if I really wanted it. But its part of a marriage...

"Dr. Shepherd, I want to thank you that I can assist you today," Dr. Chase said. He was one of my interns, who was the most talented of them all.

"This is a teaching hospital, you don't need to thank me for scrubbing in." I smiled at him kindly.

"What are the complications after the aneurysm ruptures?"

His response was somewhat hesitant. "An aneurysm that has ruptured or leaked is at risk of bleeding again. Re-bleeding can cause further damage to brain cells."

"Right, what else?"

The surgery proceeded without any complications.

Four hours later I arrived at home.  
>Addison was waiting in the living room for me, she wore the same dress, which she has worn at our first date.<p>

"How was your day dear?" She got up and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Exhausting, but good." With my hands on her back, I wandered up to her butt.

"I'm glad."

Was now the time, when I had to sleep with her - wanted to sleep with her?

"Derek?" She paused briefly.

"I'm glad that you have chose me."

"Addie, you're my wife, of course I chose you."  
>'If only I wasn't married to you...' I stopped my thought 'You must not think that Derek!'<p>

"Thank you..." She pulled me to her and began to kiss me passionately.

First, I was not sure whether it really was the right moment, but then the pleasure came over me.

We quickly tore our clothes off and went into our bedroom.  
>When we were skin-to-skin I saw no longer Addison before me, but Meredith.<br>Now I found my rhythm easily, and I pushed her to her climax. When I was about to reach mine, I almost called Mer's name.

The sex with Addison didn't feel right - With Mer everything had fit.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!:)


	5. Chapter 5

Meredith's POV

The first thing I felt when I woke up was the nausea. In the last few days, I often had the feeling to throw up, but at this time it was clearly the tequila.  
>I jumped up and ran immediately into the bathroom - it began to banging wildly in my skull.<br>'The tequila is killing me'  
>I was relieved that the guy from last night was gone, so I didn't have to throw him out.<p>

My body ached slightly, but it was a good pain - I could have sex with other men and enjoy it. I didn't need Derek.  
>But that didn't help me made me feel better.<br>I missed him.

After I had showered and put on my clothes, I went into the kitchen to make me a cup of coffee. It smelled like cake or something similar.  
>When I took a closer look at Izzie and George, I realized that was the smell of the homemade blueberry muffins from Izzie.<br>I could puke again.

"George, you're going shopping after work, right?" Izzie sounded cheerful as always and pushed several bills on the table to George.

"UM...yes. What do we need?" He looked slightly scared. Was he afraid to buy tampons for us?

"Eggs, butter, milk, shampoo...and don't forget the tampons!" Izzie looked amused.

"Yes George, don't forget the tampons." I had to giggle.

"Again? Why can't get one of you them? ?" His face became red.

"No, Mer and I have something to do after work, right Mer?"

I knew none of this, but nodded anyhow. "That's true. Shall we drive together to the hospital?"

George jumped up quickly. "Yes!"  
>He was probably glad that the topic wasn't longer tampons.<p>

Unfortunately, we came two minutes too late, which meant the Nazi was angry - Cristina and Alex were on time, I hated them.

"Grey, O'Malley, Stevens! How nice of you three to show up! You sleep well? Your colleagues were on time!", she pointed with her index finger at Cristina and Alex, who grinned like fools.

"Did I tell you to be happy, Yang, Karev?" Dr. Bailey looked pretty annoyed.

"um, no", both said at the same time.

"So wipe this stupid smile away and go to work! Karev, you're together with Stevens in the ER."

"I'm glad that I'm no longer be in the vagina squad," Alex smirked.

"Go Karev! You're not being paid for standing around!"

"O'Malley, you're with Dr. García."

"Neuro?" George looked unhappy.  
>Apparently, he had problems with Dr. García, maybe because he taught differently than Derek. -Stop!<p>

Bailey ignored his comment and continued. "Yang, Burke has requested you, don't make something stupid, clear?"

"Of course not", Cristina started to find Burke.

I was the only one, who still had no attending.

"Grey, you work with Dr. Sloan today, he is the new head of plastics."

This was just perfect. "All right." When I wanted to just run off the Nazi stopped me.

"Get me a hot cocoa before!"

Of course you don't tell a pregnant woman no, especially when this woman was Miranda Bailey.  
>I had to admit that she looked very cute with her belly.<p>

Quickly, I brought her a hot cup of chocolate and made me looking after this Dr. Sloan. While I met Alex, who filled a chart.  
>So, no one liked him, but somehow I had the feeling, that he was actually a good guy.<p>

"I hate this paperwork. You all right?" I was surprised that he asked me that.

I crossed my arms over my chest. "Do you really want to know? No matter, we don't know us well so I'm going to tell you something, and then you tell me something, deal?" He nodded.

"Derek is an ass! And because of him, I feel like one of those people who's so freaking miserable they can't be around normal people. Like I'll infect the happy people. Like I'm some miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress. Your turn!"

"I failed the medical boards." Was he serious? "If I tell Izzie, she'll be nice about it, all supportive and optimistic. She might as well rip my nads off and turn 'em into earrings. But thank you, I feel better already. I mean who wants to be a miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress?" We both had to laugh very hard.

"Who is your attending today?" He grabbed a new chart.

"Dr. Sloan, do you know who that is?"

"You're assigned to Sloan? Is Sloan here at the hospital? Are you kidding me?" The pen felt out of his hand.

"Yes. He is the new head of plastics, nothing more." I did not understand what was so special about him.

Alex looked at me incredulously. "He is the best! You're a lucky ***!"

"I need to find him."

"You have no idea who that is, right?"

I shook my head.

"He is right there speaking to Dr. Bailey."

As my gaze moved to them, I couldn't breathe - Sloan? Mark, mark Sloan?  
>The universe must love me.<p>

Mark's POV

Where was I?  
>Slowly, the memories from last night came back. I looked around in the room and was surprised that such a small person could SNORE SO LOUDLY - but it was cute.<br>When I took a glance at the clock, I was shocked - just an hour before I had to start my first shift at the hospital.

I got up quietly to not wake up the blonde beauty - What was her name, Meredith? I wasn't sure.  
>The night with her was definitely great - as far as I could remember.<br>We had drunk quite a lot in the bar across the hospital.

For a brief moment I thought of Addison and Derek. I didn't want to and couldn't longer stay in New York after what had happened.  
>OK, I cheated on Addison, but she aborted our baby! If Derek knew about it? If they were now happy in New York?<p>

Mark, don't think about them. There are more important things, and there are other women.

I went to my apartment to freshen up for work.  
>I wondered if anyone as the chief knew that I was the one who had slept with Addison?<br>But why should that bother me? It was all about work, and I was the best in my field.

Richard introduced me to the colleagues.  
>I had a good feeling about the whole thing.<br>However, I was somewhat surprised that on the first day an intern was assigned to me.  
>I'd make their life's like hell.<p>

My intern was a Dr. Grey, her first task would be to bring me a bone-dry cappuccino, For that she had to appear first though- I hate interns.

A short woman approached from the side and spoke to me.

"Dr. Sloan? I'm Dr. Bailey."

I wasn't paying attention at her, as my eyes fell at once to a woman with honey-blond hair. From behind she looked quite similar to the woman from this morning.

"What is it?"

"I know that look. Damn fools. Listen, if you think I'm gonna stand back and watch while you favor Meredith Grey in any way, I'll make sure she doesn't see the inside of an O.R. for a month. You're the last one she needs, you understand?"

'If she knows' I grinned and turned to the African woman. "Don't worry Dr. Bailey." So I went up to Meredith.  
>When she saw me, she bite her lower lip and her features hardened - She probably remembered me.<br>That could be fun.

Derek's POV

Noises from the kitchen woke me the next morning. Addison was probably eating breakfast.  
>As I pulled the blanket off, I noticed that I was still naked.<br>How could I forget that I have had sex yesterday with my wife?  
>'You're a bad husband'<br>Quickly, I looked for a pair of pants and a T-Shirt and went into the kitchen.

Addison was sitting, as I had suspected, at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in hand, and read the newspaper. We had still half an hour, until we had to go to work.  
>I poured me a cup of coffee and grabbed a bowl of muesli.<p>

She looked up from the newspaper and gave me a seductive smile. "Have you recovered from last night?"

The whole time I had thought about Meredith. But I couldn't tell her that. "Yes, I hope you too?"

She sighed. "Yes. It was really great. I didn't think that we're still good at this.. so...After what happened..."

"Addie", I had to force myself to smile. "We, you and I are the only thing that matters. What happened in the past doesn't matter." No, actually that was a damn, damn lie! She slept with my best friend! And Meredith... -Stop.

"Ok. I know that we are still not long back here, and we are working on our marriage...But Derek?" What was coming now?

"I want a baby."

Addison's POV

Derek was still calmly asleep when I went into the bathroom.  
>The last night was amazing. I had felt loved from him and noticed – was he previously ever so tenderly to me?<br>I went into the kitchen and made me a cup of coffee, I wanted to let Derek sleep a little longer.  
>I hardly noticed the newspaper, which was in front of me. I thought about our marriage.<br>We were married for 11 years and had no children yet. I knew that he loved them and wanted to have a child.  
>Maybe a baby would help to save our marriage?<br>I mean, what spoke against it, we loved each other, we had money, both a job...

I hadn't noticed that he had come into the kitchen.

I was just so HAPPY at that moment. "Have you recovered from last night?" I wanted to know.  
>I had recovered and if we hadn't had to go to work, then I would have been ready even for another round.<p>

"Yes, I hope you too?" He kissed me softly.

"Yes. It was really great. I didn't think that we're still good at this.. so...After what happened..."  
>I felt so sorry for hurting him.<p>

"Addie", he smiled "we, you and I are the only thing that matters. What happened in the past doesn't matter."  
>Maybe now was the right time to tell him?<p>

"Ok.." I breathed in deeply, as I began to speak. "I know that we are still not long back here, and we are working on our marriage...But Derek?"  
>How would he react?<p>

"I want a baby."


	6. Chapter 6

Meredith's POV

How could it be that the man from yesterday was Mark Sloan? I had slept with my boss, again!  
>Nobody was allowed to know from our last night. I hoped he thought the same. But his damn smile said something else.<br>I was really in trouble.

I looked at Alex for help. "I can cover the ER for you. I mean, we should support each other. You're interested in plastics.."

Mark came over to us. "Ah Dr. Grey, I'm glad that I found you. He's not on my service today. You're assigned to me."

"But..." Mark, no Dr. Sloan silenced me with his hand.

"Are you coming? We've a lot to do."

Alex patted me on the shoulder. "Dude, he seems to like you very much."

"Thank you. I thought that you'd help me! But you did nothing! Get out of my way." So, I followed Mark in the direction of his office.

"Dr. Sloan?" I wouldn't make the same mistake as with Derek. I had to make it clear that we had to forget the last night - As soon as possible.

"Dr. Sloan? Last night it was Mark." He smirked and sat down behind his desk.

"Don't you want to sit down? I won't touch you, unless you want it." He pointed to a Chair.

I made no move to sit down. "Dr. Sloan, we should pretend it never happened. If I had known that you work here, then I would have never slept with you - you're my boss! And I didn't want to sleep with my boss again! Probably, you have a beautiful wife who cheated on you with your best friend. And that's the reason why you came to Seattle, to forget everything." Suddenly Marks face became pale. Was I right?

"How...who..." Oh, God, it couldn't be true.

"Oh, my God, it's true? You have a wife and she cheated on you? Because of that you moved from New York to Seattle? Like Derek." Had I really just said that?

Mark opened his mouth to say something, but he wasn't able to form a single word with his lips. "Mark?" I took his hand.

"You're Meredith...You're Derek's lusty intern, right?" He stared at me incredulously, and then it clicked in my head. I quickly pulled my hand back and leaned against the door.

"Mark? You slept with Addison? You are Derek's best friend?" I couldn't form a clear thought. I had slept with the former best friend of Derek! I was really a dirty ex-mistress.

Mark laughed at once, what the hell? Why was he laughing? There was nothing to laugh about! "I heard about you all the way back in New York.  
>You're famous.."<p>

"Oh really? Well, I heard about you all the way here in Seattle." I winked at him.

He stood before me and stroked me a lock of hair from my face. "Looks like we have a lot in common. We're the dirty mistresses." His eyes became sad.

"I suppose we are" I replied quietly.

"Maybe we should repeat the thing from last night? It would probably help us to feel better." He started to kiss me.

At this moment I didn't care that he was my boss, I would not fall in love with him. Just having some fun.

Derek's POV

"I want a baby." Like a mantra, I heard Addison saying that again and again in my head  
>I had to be careful, that I didn't spit out my cereal.<p>

I cleared my throat. "A baby? I thought that you still don't want kids at the moment?"

She looked offended.

Great. Now I probably had given her the feeling, that I didn't love her and wanted a baby with her.  
>But did I really love her? Did I want a baby with her?<br>Would Meredith wanted to have kids with me?  
>I could well imagine how our children would look like - probably like Mer, I hoped that they would inherited my eyes and my curls though.<br>'You should think about how it would be to have a child with Addison!'

"Well, we could wait, but I won't get any younger and we have just started fresh. So I thought that it Would be nice if we were a real family. Or don't you want kids with me?" Her look was quite sad.

"What? Of course, I want kids with you! It's just..I didn't expect that." I gently stroked her hair.

"You really want a baby with me?" She looked at me hopefully.

"Yes."  
>What did I say? My inside all shouted no! But what should I say otherwise?<br>I wanted to save my marriage - and we were married for 11 years already.  
>Probably it would take a few months to get pregnant.<p>

Addison jumped up. "You make me the happiest woman!" She wanted to kiss me, but I turned my head to the side.

"We have to go, I have an important surgery this morning." She didn't had to know that it was a lie.

"Seriously? No time for practicing? But tonight we will." She gave me a seductive smile.

During the drive Addison no longer stopped to talk about babies - it wasn't fair of me, but I was not at all sure if we were really ready for a child, if we would ever make it.  
>However, a husband doesn't tell his wife that he doesn't want a child with her, because he still has feelings for another woman.<br>No, we would have a baby - and that would save our marriage.

Addison's POV

I waited eagerly on Derek's response.

"A baby? I thought that you still don't want kids at the moment?"

I was thinking about the abortion, which I had have some months ago - Derek knew nothing about it, and it should remain that way.  
>It should be just about us, our love and our marriage.<br>He wanted a baby with me? Or would he rather have a child no, with Meredith - Derek would never think something like that, he loves me. He has clearly demonstrated me that in the last few weeks. Anyway, I had to have certainty.

"Well, we could wait, but I won't get any younger and we have just started fresh. So I thought that it Would be nice if we were a real family. Or don't you want kids with me?" He would not lie to me.

"What? Of course, I want kids with you! It's just..I didn't expect that." I was relieved-you see, no need to worry, your marriage is saved.

"You really want a baby with me?" I wanted to hear it from him.

"Yes."

"You make me the happiest woman." I wanted to embrace the whole world! Soon we would be hopefully a little family. I could already imagine him holding our son or daughter in his arms.  
>I'd give anything that Derek is happy.<br>It didn't matter if we came too late to work, I wanted to start right on with practicing for a baby but Derek saw it differently.

"We have to go, I have an important surgery this morning." He put our coffee cups in the dishwasher and grabbed a jacket.

"Seriously? No time for practicing? But tonight we will." I kissed him briefly on the lips.

As we drove together to the hospital, I could not stop me to look forward to that we would soon have a baby — but Derek not said much.  
>Probably he prepared inwardly on his upcoming surgery.<br>But the most important was that Derek stayed with me, I had won.


	7. Chapter 7

Meredith's POV

It's a look patients get in their eyes. There's a scent. The smell of death. Some kind of sixth sense. When the great beyond is headed for you, you feel it coming. What's the one thing you've always dreamed of doing before you die?

I still couldn't believe, that I had for a month an affair with Mark Sloan.  
>No, I wasn't in love with him, and he wasn't in love with me either,<br>but we helped each other and we could give us a feeling of security.  
>For most people, that might sound funny, but we were so happy. Sure, we missed Derek and Addison, but when we were together, we could forget the longing, and just we were what counted in those moments.<p>

I was glad that Izzie and Cristina hadn't spoken with anyone about my affair with Mark.  
>The only thing that mattered was that mark didn't prefer me, especially for Cristina.<p>

Mark went to the hospital earlier than me, because of an emergency. So I lay alone in my bed and thought about everything.  
>Today I didn't want to work, somehow I had a bad feeling - as if today would be the day where I would die.<p>

All of a sudden this stupid nausea came over me again. I had struggled for weeks with it, but I drank nothing last night! Probably a persistent stomach flu.  
>Izzie took a shower, as I began to puke.<p>

"Mer?" She turned off the water, and wrapped a towel around her body. and held my hair back, while I puked the soul from my body.

"It's been quite a while."

I gratefully accepted the washcloth, which she handed me, and wiped my mouth with it. "I must have eaten something wrong." I leaned my head against her shoulder.

"Something wrong? Then you must have eaten real often something wrong." She looked at me worried.

"ok..Lately I've been drinking too much. I know that." I went to the sink and started to brush my teeth.

"OK, I don't want to tell you anything wrong, or drive you crazy, but when was the last time you had your period?"

I spit out the toothpaste from sheer shock. "What? Why do you ask that? I mean...We get them both at the same time, so...Why do you ask?"

"Can it be that you're pregnant?"

I became pale. "I...I...No, it cannot be..."

"Calm down...can't you remember when you had it the last time?"

I ran to my room and laid me on my bed. Izzie dressed and sat up next to me.

"I have no idea. I had so much stress because of Derek and work...I don't know Izzie.." I pressed my face into my pillow.

"OK. When we are in the hospital, then I take off blood from you, ok?" She rubbed my back.

"I don't want to go there."

"You have to go to work. You're an intern. Saving lives is not optional."

"Yes, it is. I'm staying home.." I snuggled into my blanket - as if it would protect me.

George came in. "Why are you still in bed Mer?"

"I'm sick." I muttered.

"You have to help me." Izzie whispered in his ear.

"Uh Mer? Maybe there'll be a horrible accident nearby the t a bunch of people open. Sternotomies, craniotomies. That'd be fun, right?" Did he really want to convince me with that?

"I don't care about surgeries."

Cristina now entered my room and lay down next to me. "So you have a feeling?"

"Yes."

"Ok. What kind of feeling?"

"Like I might die." and I maybe be pregnant. I said not loud though.

"Today? Tomorrow? In 50 years? We're all going to die eventually. But now, we're late." Cristina's voice got a sarcastic tone.

She wanted to pull away the blanket, but I kept it. "Cristina, leave me alone."

"This is me being supportive, go."

I looked at her. "Seriously?" She nodded. "The man I love has a wife, then he chooses her over me and moved across the country, now I am sleeping with Mark, his ex-best friend. I just need something to happen." I wanted to cry.

"Whatever. Everybody has problems. Now get your a** out of bed and get to work! Now! Move, move, move!"

I stood up quickly and we rushed to the hospital, so that we were not too late.

Before we were assigned to our attending's, Izzie took off blood from me.

"It shouldn't take long, until we get the results. They don't know of course, that this is your blood. Fake chart." She held the chart in her hands and waved it a bit.

"Thanks Izzie." She hugged me.

"Don't thank me. I like to do that. Did you talk to Cristina about it?"

"No, she had the ectopic pregnancy some time ago...and...I don't even know if I'm really pregnant..."

Izzie looked at me questioningly, but said nothing.

"What?"

"If you are pregnant, who is the father?"

I hadn't thought about that. "It has to be Mark...before Mark I had only sex with..." Tears began falling down my cheeks at the thought of having a baby, much less Derek's baby.

"pssh...don't get crazy. We have to wait. You can do it." I could not hold back my tears.

"Stevens, what is going on here?" Suddenly, mark came in - that was bad.

"Nothing." I sobbed.

"This doesn't look like nothing to me." He took me in his arms, which made everything worse.

"Mer's uncle passed away..." Izzie said softly.  
>What the heck? I don't even have an uncle.<p>

"Yes, I haven't spoken to him for so long, and now he's just dead." Normally I was a terrible liar but Mark actually believed me.

"It must be really bad for you. Do you think that you can work today?"

I nodded hastily. "Yes, that's okay. Come on, there are patients that are already waiting for us."

When mark was out of earshot Izzie said. "I never thought that Mark Sloan has such a loving side."

"Many people think that...Izzie! I'm not in love with him, not really...He reminds me sometimes of Derek...and that helps me somehow..."

"I don't have to understand that. Well, anyway, I will page you when I get the lab results back."


	8. Chapter 8

Mark's POV

I was a man whore, and everyone knew it - but I was catching myself fall for Meredith Grey.  
>She had fascinated me from our first encounter at Joe's - Derek and I had always the same taste in women.<br>How could he give up Meredith for Addison, after she had cheated on him with me?  
>Probably Derek just wanted to be a good husband. - But had he been aware that he destroyed Meredith?<p>

We had often talked about Derek and Addison in the last month. First I had miss Addison and wanted to get her back, but Meredith made me realize that Derek would fight for his marriage.

To her friends and colleagues, Mer pretend as if she was over the relationship with Derek - but actually she missed him so incredibly painfully, that it hurt me to see her suffer.  
>Of course I could have told her, that I felt something for her - But it was not the right time for that.<br>Finally I had agree that we had sex, but there were no feelings - this was her condition for our relationship/affair, or how whatever you call it.

Fortunately, in the hospital only George, Cristina and Izzie knew about us, which made the thing much more relaxed.  
>I didn't want to imagine what Dr. Bailey would think - the woman was short, but she had her ways to make our lives like hell, especially Mer's life.<p>

Meredith was often sick in the last few days So I stayed with her because I didn't want that she was alone.  
>I had told her several times that she should go to the doctor, but she insisted that it was only the flu. I was not very convinced, - after all, it was her body and she could decide whether she wanted to see a doctor, or not.<p>

I was quite annoyed when my pager started beeping in the middle of the night – we had fallen asleep for half an hour because Mer was feeling bad.  
>. She had insisted that I should go back to sleep, but I wanted to give her the feeling, that I was there for her.<p>

She looked sleepily at me. "What is going on?"

I got up and dressed quickly. "An emergency in the hospital, I got to go. See you later, unless you feel to sick and want to stay at home."

She muttered only a "see you later" in her pillow, and snored happily.

How I could sleep when she snored so loudly, was a secret.

An apartment complex had caught on fire. Most people were only slightly injured, or had a smoke inhalation, but my patient had probably the worst hit.  
>She had strong burns on her hands, arms, and her face - I would need to make a skin graft.<br>It looked bad, but I'd give my best, so that she could leave the hospital healthy and without scars.

Before I went to search for a third year resident, who should assist me in the surgery, I went to the nurse's station, and I was shocked. Derek was standing there with Dr. Webber with a chart in his hand.  
>What the hell was he doing here? He worked in New York! Did Addison come with him?<br>I decided not to ask, someone would tell me in the course of the day.  
>'Meredith' it flashed through my mind. Her shift would start in four hours, she had to hear it from me.<br>It couldn't happen, that she ran him off guard on the way.

The surgery of Mrs. Marbles was fortunately without complications – I had to focus strongly on the procedure, I didn't want to think about the fact Derek was again in Seattle.

After the surgery, I scrubbed out and started looking for Meredith. I finally found her in an examination room with Stevens.

Why was she crying? Had she seen him already? I wouldn't mention him.

"Stevens, what is going on here?"

"Nothing." Meredith, who was repeatedly shaken by sobs replied

I approached her and took her in my arms. I was hoping that this would calm her.

"This doesn't look like nothing to me."

I relaxed, as they told me that Meredith's uncle had died. I had never heard of him, but she didn't know my family either. Well, she knew Derek, he was a part of my family.

'Derek'  
>I would tell her after rounds that Derek was in the hospital - But destiny had other plans.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Derek's POV

I was in my office in the hospital, when Richard called me.

"Derek, I'm glad I got you."

What could he want from me? "Hello Richard, what can I do for you?"

"I need you here in Seattle. I couldn't find a neurosurgeon who wants to operate this patient." His voice sounded pretty frustrated.

"Who is the patient? What does he need?."

"It's my cousin James. He has a spinal cord tumor." I was amazed.

"A tumor within the spinal cord? Richard, it happens so rarely!?"

"Yes, it is already a miracle that he can still walk. I sent you the images via E-Mail. Derek, I'm asking you, come to Seattle, please help James. You're the only one who can fix it."

When I was looking at the pictures my decision was set, I would fly to Seattle.  
>Dr. Webber fixed everything with the Chief of Mount Sinai - I should go home and pack my things. If everything went well, I'd be back tomorrow.<p>

Addison had the day off.  
>When I came into the living room, she sat on the couch and was reading a fashion magazine. I went to her and kissed her.<p>

"You're home? I thought that you'd have to work longer." She snuggled up to me.

"Actually...Richard called me." How would she take it, that I had to fly to Seattle for surgery?

"Richard Webber? What did he want from you?" Her grip on my arm became stronger

"He has asked me to operate his cousin."

"Derek, there are enough neurosurgeons! Someone else can do it, but not you!" She looked at me pleadingly.

"Addie. It's his cousin, I can't say no, even if I wanted it." I couldn't say it to her, but actually I was glad to go to Seattle. Maybe I would see Meredith - I miss her.

"Did he have a tumor in his brain?" She stood up to get a glass of water.

"He has a spinal cord tumor."

"What? "Derek, the.."

"I know this is rare. It is surprising that he can still walk. Actually he shouldn't move an inch."

"But why should you do the surgery? Didn't Richard hire a new neurosurgeon?"

"No one feels up to do it. Richard called in various hospitals. Addie, I owe him this. He would have made me the Chief, if I have stayed in Seattle." Oh, I shouldn't have said that.

"Oh, really? Why didn't you stay in Seattle then?" She was mad.

"Because I love you! Because I want to save our marriage. Both of us decided to move back to New York."

"I'm sorry Derek...It's just...You'll probably see Meredith again...and that scares me, you know?" I took her in my arms.

"Hey, look at me. Please don't worry. I love you, and you know it. We are trying to have a baby. Do you think that I would want it, if I still loved Meredith?" My mother had taught me not to lie, but I lied always to Addison when it went to Meredith. Of course I felt badly, but what should I do otherwise?

"No, I know you love me." She smiled at me. "Who knows, maybe it worked already. When do you fly to Seattle?"

"My flight leaves in two hours."

"Derek? We have the appointment at the Hospital tomorrow! I told Jenny that we would come, together!"

Damn, I forgot the appointment. Addison is not confident in pregnancy tests. Therefore, she wanted to go to the hospital to draw blood. Jenny was a friend of her, who also worked as a gynecologist. "I know, but I have to operate tomorrow. Listen to me, I'm sorry...And of course I'd like to come with you. But you'll call me and tell me if it worked, ok?"

"OK. Promise me, that you come back home?"

Could I really promise her that? "Yes of course, Addie. Get some rest. Tomorrow I'm already back...and perhaps we have something to celebrate."  
>Something to celebrate? I was hoping so much that it had not worked out. We were simply not ready yet! I couldn't stand lying to her much longer.<p>

"OK. Take care. I love you so much," She didn't want to let go of me.

"I love you too." It hurt me to lie to her, but I couldn't tell her the truth.

Quickly, I grabbed my stuff and I ordered a taxi to the airport.  
>As I sat on the plane, I found no sleep. I had to stop thinking about Meredith. How was she? Had she been with someone else? Did she miss me?<br>'After how you treated her, she won't miss you'  
>Also I told her that I didn't want to see her anymore.<br>Would I stay in Seattle after the surgery, or would I go back to New York? I didn't know.  
>I hadn't noticed how I had fallen asleep. The announcement of the captain woke me up from my nap.<br>I searched my luggage and went to the Archfield Hotel - I hadn't sold the land and the trailer, I didn't want to sleep there though.

Richard and I were supposed to meet already around 04:00 AM to prepare everything for the surgery. I lay down on the bed and once again went through the documents, which Richard had sent me earlier.

It would be difficult to remove the tumor without causing permanent damage, but I would do my best.

The wake-up service called at 03:15 AM. I quickly showered and then went on the way to the hospital. If Meredith had the night shift?

It was a strange feeling to enter SGH - it was while still not long ago that I had worked here, but somehow I had the feeling that I was no longer welcome.

On the way to the surgical floor, I met Dr. Bailey. She didn't greet me, she took a glance, which could have killed me. OK, I was probably not more welcomed.

Richard waited for me with the chart.

"Derek, you don't know how much it means to me, that you do that." We shook our hands.

"You don't have to thank me Richard. I'm glad if I could help you."

We talked for a long time about James and the tumor, when I looked behind me -Did I see Mark Sloan? No, that must be wrong.

"Derek, is everything alright?" Richard looked concerned.

"Yes, Yes, everything is alright. We should go to James and prepare him for surgery. Who is going to assist me?"

"Dr. García. He is the new neurosurgeon here at the hospital."

"No intern?" Maybe I could get Richard to let Meredith scrub in - I had to see her.

"No, only experienced doctors are involved."

I had to find another way to see Meredith. Hopefully the operation did not last long.


	10. Chapter 10

Hope you like it:)

Please review!;-)

Meredith's POV

I had the feeling that Mark was bothered by something, but he just told me that everything was all right - I had hardly time to think, because I had my own problems.  
>I cared for him, but my career, no my whole life could change, and perhaps also his too.<p>

I had thought about telling him about my assumption but I would wait for a quiet moment.

We were just in the room of Mrs. Marbles to check on her, as Izzie paged me - No was the time.

"Dr. Sloan?" He took off her bandages, to look at his work.

"What is it, Dr. Grey?" He was so focused on his work, I loved to watch him. His movements were always so careful.

"Dr. Burke needs me in the ER, is it alright if I go?"I asked unsurely.

"Yes of course. We're finished here. See you later?"

"Yeah." I ran to the locker room in which Izzie was waiting for me.

"Fast girl." She smiled at me.

I was again feeling totally bad. Completely out of breath, I answered her. "Yes, I told Mark that Burke needs me in the ER. So I hope that he really needs me."

"Haven't you heard about the quiet board?"

I raised my eyebrow "Seriously?" I would have never thought that Izzie was that kind of person who believed in something like that.

"A quiet board means trouble. A quiet board is death." She said matter of factly.

"Izzie, we work in a hospital, there's every day dead. No matter if there's a quiet board." I was glad that we found another issue, than the test results.

Izzie handed me a sheet of paper. Why did she wait five minutes longer? I was not ready for it. My breathing became faster, panic rose up in me.

"Hey Mer, you have to breathe calmly, ok?" She held me tightly.

My hands trembled as I flew over the content. "No, I'm not..it can't be." I had the feeling that everything was turning around me - this had to be just a bad joke, a nightmare

"Oh God Mer." The tears soaked probably through her scrub top, but it didn't matter to me. I was pregnant - and I didn't know who the father of my child was.

"Don't worry, we'll help you, we're all here for you."

I shook my head. I answered her with a tear choked voice. "No, how should I do this? I can't be a mother! I will be a terrible mother, just like my own mother! I can't have a baby! Why Izzie? Why?" The tears didn't stop falling.

She took the piece of paper out of my hand. "Your HCG value is relatively high...don't you think that it's Derek's baby?"

"I don't know...it could also be that I get twins from Mark...I need to find out who the father is...I have to talk to Mark. I won't keep it quiet."

"OK...I can understand that...But if it's Derek's...What"

"Then I won't tell him...He didn't want me, he wanted Addison. Why should he want a child with me? I couldn't bear it, if he would stay only with me, because of the baby." I exhaled loudly.

Our pager started beeping. "911, I really have to go to the ER." I folded the note on which the laboratory results were and put it in my pocket.

"I can do an ultrasound when our shift is over. Then you'll have certainty." She looked at me sympathetically.

"Thanks Izzie." I hugged her. I was so grateful that she was there for me.

We hurried to get to the emergency room as quickly as possible - I was allowed to think now, that I was INDEED pregnant. I had to concentrate on my work.

I was shocked, a young Paramedic had her hand in the wound of the patient-who was so stupid, and put her hand into the chest of a patient?  
>Who was so stupid and not prevented with condoms?<br>'You need to focus on your work'  
>Somewhere, a woman screamed - why she didn't stop?<p>

"Dr. Grey, prepare to transport her to the OR. And that must happen as quickly as possible." I was glad that I was finally getting a surgery, perhaps the day would get better – it couldn't get worse.

"If I'd known you'd get the good case, I'd have let you stay in bed." Oh, Cristina was frustrated, because she should ask the woman, what her husband had done.

"How are you doing over there?" I almost had to vomit at the sight of the wound and the blood - damn pregnancy.

"My hand's getting numb. And this whole "insides are bloody and squishy" thing is so not good for my gag reflex. But I'm good." I thought she didn't even know what could happen. Why was she sounding so euphoric?

"Is this OK? Me being in here like this?" Oh, God, or did she only, to get into the O.R? Stupid girl.

"Once Dr. Burke scrubs in, he'll have you remove your hand and then you can go and we'll fix Mr.  
>Carlson." I said quietly. I had to pull myself together. I didn't want to puke.<p>

"I'm going to do a thoracotomy and Hannah is going to pull her hand out. Dr.  
>Grey is going to clamp the bleeder when we have more exposure. Ready?" .<p>

"More than ready." Replied Hannah nervously.

"Scalpel, on the count of three. One Two "Burke wanted to cut, when Alex was storming in the O.R.

He was completely out of breath – what happened? I was already scared. "Dr. Burke? I need to speak with you."

" I am in surgery, Karev. Don't you see that?" Burke was visibly indignant that an intern burst in his surgery.

"I'm sure, that you want to talk to me, sir." Alex replied calmly.

"Ok." Burke put the instrumentt away, and was followed by Alex outside.

Burke came back again. "Hannah? What do you feel inside of Mr.  
>Carlson? What is your hand touching? ?"<p>

"What do you mean?" What meant the whole thing? My stomach tensed up.

"Is your hand touching anything hard? Like metal?"

Hannah carefully moved her hand inside of Mr. Carlson. "Um I don't know." She looked thoughtful.

"Don't move your hand. Just tell me what you feel." Burke's face looked worried, would now the hospital blow up?

"Dr. Burke, what's wrong?" I couldn't be quiet any longer, I had to know what was happening here.

"Hannah?"

"Um, my fingertips are touching something kinda hard. Yeah, definitely." Why Burke didn't say something?

"Oh, my goodness." The anesthesiologist apparently knew what was going on.

"Hannah, I don't want you to move. Not your hand. Not your body. Not an inch, understand?"

"ok. You should know you're starting to scare me.." Not only you.

"Dr. Grey?" Oh, my God, what would happen next?

"Grey, can you...I want you to walk out of this room. Walk, do not run.  
>Go and tell the charge nurse that we have a Code Black. Tell her that I am sure.<br>And then tell her to call the bomb squad."

I didn't thought about it, I just went out of the O.R.  
>After I had spoken with the charge nurse I went to Alex.<p>

"Oh, my God. She was trying to save his life." I once again could begin to cry - f*** hormones.

Burke walked over to us. "I go back in and wait for the bomb squad. You leave. You all leave. I have everything under control.."

He couldn't do that alone, and what happened to Hannah? "You need a surgeon."  
>First, it looked as if he wanted to contradict me, then finally consented.<p>

"Excuse me. You're the surgical team?" A man said to me.

"Hi, Dylan Young, bomb squad." He asked me to follow his instructions.  
>'As I would have put me voluntarily in danger'<p>

"Cristina! What are you doing here? We have here a patient with a bomb in his body!"she was horrified- She was scared about Burke.

I chatted for a while with Cristina and avoided the subject, that I was pregnant.

"Where is the anesthesiologist? Oh, God, she wants to take out her hand!" I rushed in the O.R. I didn't care that it was forbidden.

"Hannah?" I had to calm her down somehow.

"Where is the anesthesiologist?" I wanted to know.

"He, um He left. He didn't want to die."

"Hannah, calm down. You need to relax and everything's gonna be fine."

She began to cry. "No, no!" Then, very quickly, she pulled her hand out of the chest from Mr. Carlson.

I never thought, that I'd do that. As fast as I could, I closed the wound with my hand – my own hand...

"What did I do?" I mumbled outloud.

"You realize how stupid that was?" Seriously? Did he think, that I didn't know it?

"Yes, the man is right." Cristina muttered as she looked stern at me.

I glared at Cristina. "I don't need to be made fun of when I have my hand inside a body that's got a bomb in it and a stranger is Velcro-ing a flak jacket to my b***. Ok?!" I was mad, I was scared, I missed Derek.

"You've got a sense of irony" Muttered Dylan.

"Only when things are really ironic." Was the time now for me to die? I was scared, fear. I was worried about my friends, worried about my little baby inside me.

"So, you have a plan, right? You have a way to get me out of this? ?" Tears rolled down my cheeks.

He only nodded.

"But first we need to move."

"Wait!" Was he kidding me? "I can't wiggle my fingers because we can't shift the ammo, and now you want to roll out the entire gurney?"

"Dr. Grey, listen. The main oxygen line runs directly under this room. That means if the bomb will explode over the oxygen line, then the whole hospital will blow up." I hadn't expected that I was right at this morning. - today was the day when I was supposed to die.

Luckily, we arrived without incident in the other O.R.

"Meredith, are you ready?"

I didn't know if I was willing to die, but I said yes.

"I'm going to extend the wound. When I cut, the bleeding is going to intensify. If we're going to save Mr.  
>Carlson, you must pull the ammo out immediately."<p>

"But remember, remove it while keeping it as level as possible. Nice and easy." Nice and easy?

"Ok."

"Are you ready?"

"I...do I have a choice?" Please don't start crying, that won't help you. - your days are counted.

"You have to be ready, scalpel." Said Burke

"I'm ready. Now my life should end.

I wasn't able to move. I had to get rid of the thoughts, which buzzed in my head. "Please make sure that Izzie and George can stay in the house, someone has to take care of my mother, when I'm gone. And tell Mark, Dr. Sloan, that I would haven't survived the last month without him. I thank him, he's a good guy. I'm pregnant and I don't know who the father is.. Mark or Derek..but it doesn't matter now, I'll die...I won't see Derek again..When you should see Derek, tell him." I sobbed uncontrollably. "Tell him that I loved him, even though he hurt me...and that, I hope that he is happy with Addison...and tell Cristina that she was always a good friend to me, my person...Burke, you two should go out, or do you want to die?"

Dylan looked at me piercingly. "Nobody's dying today, Grey. I want you to look at me. Look at me. I know this is bad. I know that I'm this a** who's been yelling at you all day. So you pretend that I'm not. You pretend that I'm someone you like. Whatever you need. But you need to listen to me. You can do this. It'll be over in a second."

Instantly I saw Derek in front of me. I could feel and smell him - I missed him so much.

I guess I must have blocked out the part of me pulling out the ammunition because withing a few minutes, I heard an explosion from the hallway and everything felt like I was being sucked into a black hole with no ending.


	11. Chapter 11

Mark's POV

Meredith realized immediately that something was wrong. I didn't wanted to tell her about Derek when we had rounds.  
>We were in Mrs. Marbles room, because I wanted to check her injuries, when Dr. Burke paged Mer - then I'd tell her during lunch.<br>I wanted to look for Izzie, to ask her if she knew why Derek was in Seattle.  
>She was a woman, and they like to gossip, right?<p>

I passed the board and I was shocked to see that it was almost empty - A quiet board means trouble and dead.  
>When I'd get Derek in my hands, then there would be dead.<p>

"Dr. Sloan?" Izzie was suddenly standing behind me.

"Oh, Stevens, I was looking for you." I couldn't believe that he really was in Seattle.

'Shepherd and García, OR 5 Ependymoma'

"Why?...Why is Shepherd here?" Izzie was now standing next to me and stared disbelievingly at the board - just like me.

"Apparently he's in surgery." My voice sounded bitter.  
>What was the reason that he was in Seattle? Why did he operate? Was it allowed that he had a surgery?<br>Richard must have called him.

"This is..." She stopped speaking.

"Seriously? This can't be true!" I cried out loud.

Izzie was worried. "I have to find Meredith. She shouldn't see him." She wanted to go, I stopped her though.

I spoke quietly. "First, find out whether Shepherd is still operating, ok?" She only nodded and ran off.

I couldn't wrap my mind around it - how would Meredith react? Would I see Addison again?  
>I didn't want to meet Addie, probably I would be completely freaked out and said things that you actually didn't say to a woman.<p>

I was thinking about our baby who she had aborted. If she now wanted children with Derek?  
>With high probability. She got what she wanted.<p>

"Dr Sloan?" I jumped.

"Is he operating?" I couldn't stop pacing around.

"Yes, it looks like there are complications. It is Dr. Webbers cousin, who he operates on." Izzie looked as she was going to cry every moment.

"But nobody wanted to operate him." Suddenly everything made sense. "That's why Richard has called Derek! S***! OK Stevens, we need to find Meredith as quickly as possible. Do you know where she is?" I touched her shoulder cautiously.

"She operates with Burke...We can't get her out." Her eyes were big, as she feared the worst.

"Don't worry Stevens, do you hear me? It's good that she's in surgery. It means that she's busy at least another hour. Maybe we are lucky and Derek is ready by then." I forced a smile.

"Dr Sloan?" Why didn't she continue?  
>I gave her a quizzical look, but she shook her head.<p>

My pager beeped, 911.

"Come with me, we have to go to the ER."

"But I'm not assigned to you." She didn't move.

"Now you are!" I called over my shoulder as I ran.

"Finally you are here!" A nurse said harshly to me.

"What do we have?"

"Simon Harlton, 52, complaining of respiratory ailments and earaches. MRI shows a nasopharyngeal carcinoma."

"Let me see the pictures."

I wasn't sure if I could save the patient, but I would give it a try.

"Stevens, you assist me." She was smiling - probably she hadn't operated for a long time.

It was easier than I had thought to remove all of the malignant cells, I was glad about that.

"You think that he will stay in Seattle?" Izzie asked me abruptly.

I didn't know. I hoped that he'd go back to New York. "We talk about Derek, you never know what his plans are." I had to concentrate on my patient, not on Derek.

"He didn't want to see Mer again, she shouldn't call him.. I don't want that he hurt her again. That'd break her." She sounded sad.

"I don't want that either." I didn't care, that the other people in the OR were able to hear me. However, I had to change the subject.

"Stevens, didn't my pager beeped for half an hour ago?"

"Wait, let me take a look...It says code black."

This could only be a bad joke. "Are you really sure?" I looked up to read. She nodded.

"What does that mean?"  
>I was not able to answer, when a man, who was unknown to me stormed in my OR.<p>

"What are you doing?" He roared at us.

"Operating, don't you see that?" Seriously! What was that for a stupid question?

"There is only a surgical team, who is allowed to operate." The man got me on my nerves.

"I think you're wrong." At the moment I had removed everything.

"Every moment, a bomb can go off here, and the whole hospital can blow up. You have to get out of here! Now!"

"What?" Izzie and I asked at the same time.

"Damn, hurry! You gotta get out! The building has to be evacuated."

"I'm done." I said, and took off my gloves.

"Dr. Ashton, how's his blood pressure? Can we transferee him to another hospital?" I wanted to know from the anesthesiologist.

"Yes, I think so."

We all left the OR. In the ER a team waited for us which brought the patient to Mercy West.  
>I chatted with Linda, a doctor from Peds, when Richard came up to me.<p>

I had to restrain myself not to yell at him. "Dr Webber?"

"I don't have time Sloan!" He called.  
>Where was Derek? Where was Meredith?<br>I was afraid, was she in danger?

"I heard that someone has put the hand into the chest of the patient with the bomb." Told Linda just as Cristina came running to me.

"It's Meredith!" I didn't know what she wanted to say. What did that mean?

"What?"

"No." Izzie stood paralyzed.

A pop, no one said anything more.

"I have to go to her! Where is she?" Derek was standing about two meters from me, I hadn't seen him before.

Cristina turned wrathfully toward him. "Shut up McAss! You didn't want that she called you, you have left her! You have played with her, like she was a doll! You have no right to see her! F***! No one wants you here!"

"I have to find Mer. Someone must examine her!" Izzie called about the crowd.

"I'm coming with you!"

I couldn't hold back my anger. I punched him straight in his face. He screamed loudly.

"Mark? What are you doing here?"

"Get out of my way!" I didn't hear what he had said, because I followed Izzie and Cristina.

"Oh God Burke." Cristina saw Burke at first.  
>Meredith lay with closed eyes on a stretcher. She looked so weak and pale - what happened?<p>

"We have to get her in an examination room, now!" Burke pushed the stretcher into the room, which I had opened.

"What happened?" Mer look seemed disoriented.

Izzie breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, my God, you're awake!" She turned next to Mer.

"The bomb...Dylan, he is dead, isn't he?" Her eyes filled with tears.

We were all looking scared at Burke.

Burke sounded tired and exhausted. "Yes Meredith, he is dead...I have to take care of him." Burke disappeared.

"Mer...I was so scared. Why did you do that?" Even Cristina could hardly hold back her tears.

"No, no, no." She curled up into a ball and cried. I gently rubbed her with my hand on her back, but that didn't calm her.

"Cristina, you should go to Burke...I think that he needs you."

"Izzie! I can't leave her here alone...I'm her person...She'd never leave me alone..."

Izzie looked at me for help. "She's right Yang...We watch Meredith, we'll take care of her, I promise."

Izzie shoved her towards the door. "I call you, if there is something new, ok?"

"Ok.."

"Izzie?" Meredith wanted to try to sit up, but she was too weak.

"Lie down, everything is going to be fine." I said quietly.

"Mark." She grabbed my hand as she would be afraid to be driven away from me.

"I'm here...pssh."

"Izzie?"

"I'm here." She sat down next to me. Somehow I had the feeling that the two just communicate above their eyes with each other.

"Is everything fine with the baby?"  
>'Baby? Did I miss something?'<p>

"No one has examined you...Should I do this now?"

She just nodded.

Izzie prepared everything for the ultrasound. I could bring myself not to say something.  
>Was it my baby?<p>

"Hey, everything is fine...Just take it easy. You can tell me anything, ok?"

"I don't know who the father is. Probably you think that I'm a s***...but in the last three months, I had only sex with you...and..."

"Derek.." I had to tell her that he was in the hospital.

"Ok, can I start?"

"Yes." Meredith said anxiously.

"No matter who the father is, I'm with you, I'm not leaving you." I meant it as well, as I said it - I loved her.

"Mark, don't." She stroked me with her hand gently on my arm.

I didn't care if it was the right time. I had to make sure that she knew that I would always be on her side, no matter what happened, no matter who the father of the baby was. "I love you." I whispered this sentence in her ear, so only she could hear it.

"You don't need to tell me that Mark. I can understand if you don't want to see me anymore."

"I mean it."

"Ok, I can see it..."

"Is everything alright?" From her position, she couldn't see the screen.

"Yes, everything looks fine...So as I can tell, you're about 10 weeks, the heart beat is strong. Still you should get checked out by a gynecologist to discuss everything..."

'The baby is not mine' This was the only thought I could think of at this moment - but I would support Mer and her baby.

"I wait out there for you..." Izzie silently closed the door behind her.

"Sorry." She hugged me tightly.

"Hey, stop crying, everything is fine. I'm here, I'm not leaving you."

I just wanted to tell her that Derek was in the hospital, when the door opened and he suddenly stood in front of me.  
>An incredible sharp pain exploded in my nose.<p>

"Derek!"


	12. Chapter 12

Derek's POV

Richard didn't go from James side for the first two hours, but then he had an appointment and let me and García alone in the OR. Finally, I could ask him out.  
>I asked him where he had studied, and if he had worked with Meredith – he was fascinated by her.<br>'I didn't expect something else'  
>Then I thought about Mark - Was he really in Seattle?<br>I wanted to ask just when the anesthesiologist looked worried at me.

"Dr. Shepherd? The blood pressure is falling."

"Damn it." I had to hurry if I didn't want that James died.

"Stevens, what are you doing here?"  
>'Stevens?'<p>

For a moment, I couldn't move - Where was Meredith?

"you're really here..Dr. Shepherd." She glanced doubtfully at me, as if she would see a ghost.

"Yes, I am." I said firmly.

"How long do you have to operate?" She turned to García.

"It may take an hour. I don't know." I replied quickly.

"Did I ask you? UM...I'm sorry...It's just..."

"Stevens, leave my OR, now! I need my full concentration on this patient. It's the Chiefs cousin James...S***, I hurt a vessel! suction!"

I couldn't say how long it took until I got the bleeding under control and the blood pressure was stable.

"Your technique is impressive Dr. Shepherd." I knew that - however I had to thank him.

"Thank you, maybe you want to come to my training? It's in half a year, however, I would be happy about your visit. Maybe you'll find an intern who wants to join." Of course I thought about Meredith.

"It would be an honor...Dr. Webber had made this suggestion already a week ago." If he hadn't wear his mask, I'd certainly seen a smile.

"We've finished the hard part. You can take over in a few, if you'd like." I absolutely needed a break – our pager beeped suddenly.

"Can you read it for me Bokhee,?" I asked the scrub nurse.

"It's a code black." She was long enough in the business to know what that meant.

"OK, we have to finish very quickly. 0.4 mg of fentanyl IV. I don't want, that he's in pain after waking up."

"He is bradycardia, you need to hurry, I don't know how long he can take it."

"Where is this coming from?" I wondered out loud.

"You all have to listen to me. I won't let James dying here on that table. So if anybody wants to go, they should go. Anybody want to evacuate? Going once, going twice, three times.  
>Well, then let us continue." I was amazed that no one had gone - one more thing that distinguished SGH from other hospitals.<p>

"Maybe this is just an exercise." Muttered García.

"It is not an exercise, a bomb can explode at any moment here."

"Burke? Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure...Shepherd?" I could not tell if he was happy to see me, or if he wanted to kick me out of the hospital.

At first I thought that he wanted to go, but then he said. "It is my patient who has a bomb in his body." With these words, he turned around and disappeared again.

'I need to find Meredith' that was the only thought that I could think.

"I think that it's the fentanyl which causes it...I have now injected him Naloxone, which should compensates the effect."  
>Fortunately, his heartbeat normalized, so that we had done everything after a quarter of an hour. We could pass James to another team, which would take him to another hospital.<p>

We had been told, that everyone should come to the ER.

In New York, it was now four hours later than here - this meant that Addie would have soon her appointment, I should think about Addie, but I didn't. The only woman that I could think about was Meredith - I had to find her!

I was wondering, if the doctor who I didn't know, knew something about Mer. When I was going to ask her, Cristina came running. - Oh God, and Mark was really here.

"It's Meredith" Cristina said breathlessly.

I frowned – what did this mean?

A loud bang, like something exploded - Then it was clear to me, Meredith had been with in this OR - now it was so quiet that you could hear a pin falling down.

In a panic, I looked around me, people began to scream. "I have to go to her! Where is she?" I was afraid - why I hadn't protected her? Why had I left her alone? Why did I go back to New York?

Cristina turned in my direction, she was mad. Even her glance could have killed me. "Shut up McAss! You didn't want that she called you, you have left her! You have played with her, like she was a doll! You have no right to see her! F***! No one wants you here!" She yelled angry at me. Probably, Cristina was right, but I didn't want to leave Meredith again. I wanted to show her that I still loved her.

Izzie seemed to know where Mer was. "I have to find Mer. Someone must examine her!"

I was relieved, in a few minutes I could take her in my arms. I hoped that she was alright.

"I'm coming with you!" I called to Izzie and wanted to follow her, when suddenly Mark stood in front of me. His fist flew in my face. - damn it, what the hell?

From sheer shock I didn't feel the pain. "Mark, what are you doing here?" I couldn't keep down the surprised tone of my voice - I really saw him this morning.  
>'You didn't want to believe your eyes'<p>

He approached me threatening. "Get out of my way!"

When I wanted to say something, he had followed already Cristina and Izzie.

Olivia grabbed me by the arm and led me to a chair. "Oh boy, he hit you hard."

Blood dribbled of my hand when I fingered the wound next to my eye. Then I felt the pain.

"Shit...I need to find Meredith." I wanted to get up, but she held me in place.

"First I have to clean your wound. Probably I'm the only one here, who wants to do that."

"Why?" I asked uncomprehendingly.

She raised an eyebrow. "You think that everyone loves you here, after you left Meredith and broke her?"

The whole hospital knew about it. Frustrated, I exhaled loudly. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt her."

She looked coldly at me. "You don't have to tell me that. You need stitches."

"Later...Thank you!" I stood up quickly and started looking for Meredith.

I had searched almost the entire accessible part of the hospital, when I finally found her in an examination room - but what I saw caused tremendous aggression in me.  
>Why the heck was Mark hugging her? Why did she let him? Why was she crying?<p>

I didn't know what I was doing, but when Mark looked at me and wanted to speak, I beat him on his nose. - I put my weight behind it.

"Derek!" Meredith tried to get up, but Mark pushed her back.

"Are you satisfied now?" Mark yelled at me.

"Satisfied? You beat me first!" I had to calm down - that was a fight between Mark and I.

"You two stop now and calm down!" She was still crying.

We were looking guilty at her.

"Mer?" Mark stroked her gently with his index finger over her cheek. "I leave you two alone...I think you have to talk about the b" She nodded.

When Mark had gone out of the room, I wanted to sit next to her, but she didn't want it.

"Why are you back in Seattle?" Her voice was quiet, so that I could hardly understand her.

I wanted to tell her that I was in Seattle because of her - Even if this was not quite the truth.  
>"Richard called me, I operated his cousin." I approached her slowly.<p>

"Why are you still here? Probably Addison is here waiting for you." I handed her a tissue.

"No...She's in New York...Meredith, listen to..."

Suddenly, her look was very callous, cold. "No, you listen to me! You show up here again, and come to me, even though you told me that I should forget you?" She clenched her small hands into fists. "Derek, that doesn't work!"

"Sorry." It didn't matter whether she would push me away, I just had to touch her.

"Why are you sorry Derek?" I caught a tear with my thumb and took her hand.

"I wanted to save my marriage...I didn't want to leave you...but I had to try it with Addison, I am married to her...I had to try it."

I hoped that she'd understand what I wanted to say.

"I know...Nevertheless it hurts..." She put her hand on her belly, wasn't she feeling well?

"Oh Mer..." I could not say more at this moment. I gently wrapped my arms around her tiny body - I suddenly smelled her Lavender conditioner, I had missed her so much.

She cuddled up to me. "I have to tell you something Derek.."

I didn't want to talk, just enjoy the moment with her.  
>Carefully my lips touched hers. I felt a desire in me rise up, which I had never felt with other women - Meredith was something special.<p>

"Derek." I couldn't stop kissing her "talk."

"Not now, ok?"

We were now side by side. Our tongues danced a passionate dance - I tried to show her how much I loved her through my touch and kisses

With my hands I wandered over her warm, shapely body under her shirt.  
>I gently touched her breasts, stroked her belly and went lower. Her breathing became faster.<br>She pulled at my curls. - it was like heaven.

Suddenly she moved away from me. "I think", she took a deep breath and sat up. "Your phone is ringing."

Just now I heard ringing my phone in my pocket.  
>Disappointed, I looked at her, but she nodded "It's okay."<p>

Why I didn't take a look on the display?

"Hello?" Meredith snuggled up to me.

"Derek? You're not going to believe this, but I'm pregnant!"

I hung up without saying anything – Meredith had heard everything.

She looked completely shocked and sad, it broke my heart. "I thought...I thought...that you..." She pushed me away.

"Mer, I wanted you back. I didn't know that she is pregnant."  
>'Damn, why had it worked out already?'<p>

"You didn't know? Certainly you have talked about having children, you're married!" I wanted to hug her

"Don't touch me." She held her hands in front of herself.

"I can't leave her. Even if I wanted to...She's pregnant..."  
>' Why?'<p>

"Yes, I've heard it...so you have got what you wanted. You wanted to save your marriage, maybe it works with a baby... Derek get out...W...I don't need you! Be happy with Addison, but don't come back to Seattle! I don't want you." Her green eyes looked sadly at me, then she was gone, and I was alone.

I would be a father. Actually I should be happy, but I had lost just the love of my life - there was no chance for us.


	13. Chapter 13

Meredith's POV

When I became conscious again, I knew that Dylan had died - I had got a new chance. Yes, perhaps it meant that I should keep the baby?

My decision was set. No matter who the father was, I would love my baby - I would not fail like my own mother.  
>"What happened?" Dazed, I opened my eyes.<p>

At once, someone was standing next to me. "Oh, my God, you're awake!" Why yelled Izzie so loud?

I had to know if Dylan was really dead - an incredible sadness came over me. "The bomb...Dylan, he is dead, isn't he?" I whispered.

Burke came closer and answered me with a concerned voice. "Yes Meredith, he is dead...I have to take care of him." I couldn't believe it. I thought I'd die.  
>'Be strong, at least for your baby'<p>

I hardly heard how Cristina spoke to me - I wanted to just be alone.

"No, no, no." Why I had to experience such bad things? - I was glad that Mark was  
>there. If I hadn't had him...then I would have killed myself already.<p>

'What is with my baby?' it flashed through my mind. I had to sit up and tell Izzie  
>that she should examine me, but I was too weak. "Izzie?"<p>

Now I noticed that Mark didn't go from my side. He spoke quietly to me. "Lie down. Everything is going to be fine."  
>I had to hold his hand, I was not going to lose him.<p>

When I called again after Izzie she sat down next to mark. She knew what was  
>bothering me. "Is everything fine with the baby?" I was scared. At this Moment I<br>forgot that I hadn't told Mark about the pregnancy.  
>I felt so dirty and bad, because I had no idea who the father of my child was. If Derek was the father, would I tell him? Would he leave Addison?<p>

And what if mark was the father? Would he support me? Would he love the baby? -I had many issues, unfortunately no answers.

Izzie quickly prepared everything for the ultrasound - He had to know that I could not tell him who the father was - even if that made me a whore.

I spoke with a quivering voice. "I don't know who the father is. Probably you think that I'm a slut...but in the last three months, I had only sex with you...and..."

"Derek." I was surprised, his voice sounded neither angry, nor hurt.

"No matter who the father is, I'm with you, I'm not leaving you." Was he serious? Everyone left me at some Point.

Izzie began with the ultrasound - I was terrified of what would follow next.  
>I looked deep into his eyes "Mark, don't".<p>

"I love you." He said truthfully.  
>'He loves you. You can only hope that the baby is his'<br>I would have never expected that mark would say something like that to me. I felt  
>sorry that I couldn't feel the same for him. Right, we had sex and the time we spent<br>together was nice, but I was missing Derek.  
>'You'll never see him again'<p>

"Ok, I can see it..." Called Izzie.  
>My hands were sweating, I was so nervous - I prayed that my baby was fine. "Is everything Alright?"<p>

I was not sure, if I wanted to hear the answer.

"Yes, everything looks good...So as I can tell, you're about 10 weeks. The heart beat is strong. Still you should get checked out by a gynecologist to discuss everything..." She smiled.

Everything looks good, a huge burden fell off my shoulders.  
>' 10 weeks? That couldn't be right!<br>The father of my child was married and had made it clear that he wants to safe his marriage. My baby would just grow up like me, without a father '

Mark had to feel awful - he had had sex with his former best friend's pregnant ex-girlfriend!  
>Why was everything so crappy?<p>

When Izzie went out, I just had to hug Mark. I felt so dirty. "Sorry." I muttered.  
>"Hey, stop crying, everything is fine. I'm here, I'm not leaving you." I was crying again?<p>

Suddenly the door opened and in the next moment I saw Derek punching Mark in his face - Was it just a dream?

"Derek!"  
>Why was he in Seattle? How had he found me? Where was Addison? Why did he beat Mark? I almost had a panic attack.<br>Somehow I had to stop their dispute - Why I couldn't stop crying? It made me crazy!

"You two stop now and calm down!" I wanted to scream, it was only a whisper though.

Mark left Derek and me alone – I was so grateful to him.

"Why are you back in Seattle?" I was pissed!

"Richard called me, I operated his cousin." Was Richard to blame for everything? When I met him the next time the sparks would fly, that was safe.

"Why are you still here? Probably Addison is here waiting for you." I thought that he didn't want to see me? I had respected his wish, and what did he do?  
>Did he think, he could do whatever he wanted to do?<p>

"No...She's in New York...Meredith, listen to..."  
>'Yes, exactly where she belongs'<br>Why hadn't he chosen me? Why did he make it so difficult for both of us? Should I tell him that I was pregnant?

I felt nothing, not even anger at this moment. But then. "No, you listen to me! You show up here again, and come to me, even though you told me that I should forget you? Derek, that doesn't work!" I had the need to slap him, but I was feeling so bad.

"Sorry." This was the only thing he could say to me?  
>' this damn McDreamy look'<p>

"Why are you sorry Derek?" What did I want to hear from him?

"I wanted to save my marriage...I didn't want to leave you...but I had to try it with Addison, I am married to her...I had to try it." He had to? Had I got this right? Had he chosen me? Had he decided for me?

I put my hand on my still flat stomach – Derek wanted me? "I know...Nevertheless it hurts..." He had hurt me. He was the first person I had really loved.

"Oh Mer..." What? I was surprised when he hugged me - I had missed him, his smell, his touch. I couldn't believe my luck. I had to tell him about the baby as soon as possible. I was hoping that he somehow would rejoice, even though it was not planned.

I pressed myself closer to him. "I have to tell you something Derek. ". I never got to talk, as he unexpectedly kissed me - so tender, the kiss was full of passion. I opened my lips slightly and he slipped his tongue into my mouth. All of my fears dissolved.  
>I just felt his soft lips. He briefly touched my belly with his hand. I had to tell him.<p>

"Derek." We didn't stop kissing. "Talk."  
>"Not now, ok?"<br>I would have done anything he wanted. I was so glad that he was finally with me, I never wanted to let him go.  
>'What is ringing here?'<br>Then, I noticed it was Derek's mobile. I said panting. "I think your phone is ringing."

He sat up. I had to smile, we would be a family soon. I was sure that he would be happy.  
>"Hello?" He sounded annoyed.<p>

"Derek? You're not going to believe this, but I'm pregnant!" She laughed happily.  
>I couldn't move. Hadn't he broken up with Addison? She was pregnant? He would go back to New York - Why he had kissed me?<p>

I knew nothing at all. Why did he do this to me?  
>I didn't try to hold back my tears, didn't mind that he was able to see me crying – I hated him. Why I had trusted him? "I thought...I thought...that you..." I couldn't take it anymore, I had to get out of here.<p>

He looked guiltily at me. "Mer, I wanted you back. I didn't know that she is pregnant."  
>'Was he kidding me?'<p>

"You didn't know? Certainly you have talked about having children, you're married!"  
>He wanted to hug me, but I couldn't and I didn't want to look at him.<p>

"Don't touch me." I hissed

"I can't leave her. Even if I wanted to...She's pregnant..."  
>'So am I!'<p>

I couldn't say it. - I could do it alone without him. He wanted Addison, they had a child, just as it should be.

"Yes, I've heard it...so you have got what you wanted. You wanted to save your marriage, maybe it works with a baby... Derek get out...W...I don't need you! Be happy with Addison, but don't come back to Seattle! I don't want you."  
>'And you'll never know our baby'<p>

I looked at him for a fraction of a second in his beautiful blue eyes, I could not hide my pain - Then I ran away.  
>'My baby lost his father'<p>

And also this time, he didn't try to stop me, like before.

I had no idea where I was going, when suddenly two strong arms held me tight.

"Mer, what's wrong?" Cristina, Izzie and mark stood in front of me - I couldn't tell them.

"Derek...Addison..." It was too much for me.

"What has he done?" Mark ran back and forth.

"Not here." Said Izzie. Mark and Cristina helped her to bring me into the car.

The tears never stopped falling. It hurt so bad - Why Addison was pregnant? Derek had left me. He'd never come back.

Mark carried me into the living room and covered me with a blanket.

"What did the ass say?" Cristina asked angrily.I took a deep breath, before I started telling them about what he had said, and that Addison was pregnant. The part where we had kissed, I left out.

"Seriously? You're pregnant?" Cristina looked at me with big eyes. "I don't believe it. Why didn't you tell me?" Was she disappointed?

"I didn't know how to tell you..because of..."

She cut me off. "Mer, I'm your person, you almost died...Although I may not show it, you're important to me, I'm here for you, no matter what."

At least, I hadn't lost my friends today.

"You should eat something." mark said quietly.

"I'm not hung.."

"I'm going to cook something for you." Cristina and Izzie disappeared into the kitchen.

"You don't have to say anything...I'm sorry, that he did this to you. Did you know that Addison was pregnant from me?"

'Why did he tell me that?

"What?" Did Derek know about it?

"Yeah..When Derek went to Seattle. We have lived for two months together. She was pregnant, she aborted it though." How could she abort their baby?

Protectively, I stroked the spot on my stomach, where I suspected my little miracle.

"Listen, Mer. I know you don't love me, and if there should be a chance for us sometime, you will never love me like you love Derek...but I won't leave you, I will support you in everything. No matter what. I love you. And I will love your baby, as much as I love you."

"Do you think that she told Derek?" I didn't know what I should have said to him otherwise. Why I couldn't love him?

'Because you'll always love Derek'

"No, he thinks that it was a one-time thing between us. Derek believes that I am not able to love anyway." He snorted contemptuously.

'Seriously? He should not talk like that'

"Derek has no idea..."

"You want to eat?" Cristina looked at us questioningly.

"Sure." Now, I only realized how hungry I was.

During dinner, no one spoke about Derek - I was so tired. This day was horrible.

We went in the living room to watch a movie. Mark held me close - Why was he so good to me?

"I'd do everything for a bottle of Tequila..." Everyone looked at me stunned.

I sighed "Don't look like that! I know that I couldn't drink. I have to make an appointment...but not in the hospital, where everyone knows me."

"I can do that for you." Izzie enthusiastically suggested. I just nodded and felt into a fitful sleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night - where was I? 

"Hey, go back to sleep." Murmured Mark in my ear.

I jumped up and ran to the bathroom - Probably my baby hated me.

Mark followed me and held my hair while I vomited - That should be Dereks job, right?

' He will do that for Addison. He will hold her hair back, he will be happy about the baby, don't worry '

I brushed my teeth and lay down exhausted in my bed.

Now I realized the full extent of the thing - the tears came without warning.

"Oh mark...Why?" I curled into a ball.

"Pssh...calm down"

"I don't know how I should do this. I'm just an intern! Knocked up by her boss, who's married! And why is Addison pregnant now? Do they think that a baby will save their marriage? Derek doesn't love her!" I sobbed

"After the abortion, she told me, that she'll have a baby with Derek. Mer, you should call and tell him about.."

No, I wouldn't be the woman who destroyed a marriage, I wanted that Derek and Addison's child had both parents. "No, nobody will tell him! We don't need him! And he doesn't need us...He is going to be a father Mark. I can't tell him. It's not fair to Addison. Even if I hate her."

Even if she had ensured that my child hadn't had a father - but at least I had my friends, who would support me, and mark.

"May I?" I had to blink away a tear. I took his hand and placed it next to mine on my belly.

"Don't be afraid. You're not alone. You've got me, your friends...believe me, the whole hospital will stand behind you and support you...You can do it Mer, we can do it."

Even if I didn't know how I could live without Derek, I would do my best, I was no longer alone.  
>I was having a baby.<p> 


	14. Chapter 14

Derek's POV

In the meantime, it has been two weeks that I had returned from Seattle.  
>Today Addison had her first ultrasound appointment - she was already excited to<br>see our baby for the first time.  
>I should be excited and happy too, right?<p>

Finally, she was pregnant, we would have a child together.  
>But the only thing I could think of in the last two weeks was Meredith - my<br>Meredith.  
>The woman, who I really loved.<p>

I had hurt her again. Damn it, I wanted to go back to Seattle, to be with her! And  
>then Addison had called - Meredith must feel like shit.<br>How could I do that to her?  
>'Stupid brain surgeon, with no brain'<p>

Why I had approved Addison that we were ready, to have a Baby?  
>'Because you wanted to save your marriage, remember?'<p>

Meredith looked so incredible sad, when she heard, that Addison was pregnant.  
>'It probably broke her heart'<br>And what she did want to tell me? That she had slept with Mark?  
>No, no way. She'd never do this to me. She knew how I felt about him.<br>Or did she sleep with him - I didn't know what to think at this moment.

I couldn't blame her anyway - I didn't deserve her. It was time to forget her. I was  
>going to be a father.<br>'If Addison hadn't become pregnant immediately, then I would have left her already  
>and could be with Mer'<br>Oh God, how could I think that? No, that issue was taboo - and I'd never tell  
>Addison that I had almost left her and kissed Meredith. She couldn't get upset, she<br>had to know that I loved her.  
>The most important thing was the health of my wife and child.<p>

Tired, I was sitting alone at the kitchen table and ate my morning cereal. Addison  
>was driven earlier to the hospital because of an emergency.<br>I was sure that my mother would be pleased that she once again was going to have  
>another grandchild. I knew that she hadn't forgiven Addie, but my mother loved<br>Kids.  
>My oldest sister, Nancy, was the only person in my family, who still spoke the best<br>tones of Addison.

We had agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone about the pregnancy, until she was in  
>the second Trimester.<br>I quickly tidied everything up and went to the Hospital.  
>I decided to go to check my emails again in my office before Addie had her<br>appointment.

Slowly but surely the joy came over me. I would see our child for the first time. If  
>we were lucky, we could see the heartbeat already in the sixth week.<br>Five new e-mails, including one of Richard. He was so grateful to me, that the  
>surgery from James was so successful, but why did he send me an e-mail? Was<br>something wrong with his cousin?

'Hello, Derek.  
>I would like to thank again for your help, if there is anything that I can do for you,<br>let me know.  
>But this is not the reason of my email.<br>I had talked to Dr. García, who is the head of neurosurgery.  
>I'd appreciate it very if he would attend your training in half a year.<br>Is it possible, if an intern would come with him?  
>Meredith Grey shows great interest and talent in the field of neurosurgery, and so I<br>think that it would be a good opportunity for both of them.  
>Richard Webber'<p>

Meredith? I had the chance, to see Meredith again? I threw my good intentions  
>overboard and wrote Richard that I would be delighted if there was an intern, who<br>cared so much for this.  
>I always thought that he didn't tolerate my relationship with Mer, but now he could<br>be sure that I stayed with Addison.  
>'Addison, the appointment'<p>

As fast as I could I ran off and was hoping that I was not too late.  
>I quietly opened the door, Addison was sitting at her desk along with Jenny and<br>drank tea - Fortunately, she had given up the coffee.

"Oh, well, I'm not too late, an intern has stopped me." I smiled. It was not the  
>truth, she didn't have to know it, though.<p>

"Finally. Then we should start." Jenny tied her Brown curly hair into a ponytail and  
>prepared everything for the ultrasound.<br>Addison undressed her pants and underwear, because of ultrasound in early  
>pregnancy has to be trans-vaginal.<p>

I took her hand and gently stroked it. "Excited? In a few seconds we'll see our  
>baby." I forced a smile. I didn't know why, but my thoughts wandered to Meredith<br>again.  
>'Stop it'<p>

Beaming with joy, she said. "I'm so glad it worked that fast."  
>'really?'<p>

"Ready Addie?" Jenny's green eyes reminded me somewhat of Mers.  
>'Stop!' I said again in my head<p>

She nodded and we waited anxiously.  
>I frowned. We should see an embryo in the fruit cavity.<p>

I looked quizzically at Jenny, her gaze lost its joy. .  
>"May I see also?" asked Addison.<p>

I shook my head slightly. If she would lose the baby? Hadn't it properly developed?

"Addie." Jenny turned to us and said reassuringly. "Probably you will not like, what  
>you will see..."<p>

"What's wrong with my baby?" She squeezed my hand tightly. Why was I so  
>emotionless? I had to be worried! It was my child!<p>

"My u*** is empty, there is no embryo." Addison's eyes filled with tears, I gently  
>wiped them away.<p>

"Addie, that doesn't mean anything, and you know it. You're only in the sixth  
>week." I had to calm her down somehow.<p>

"I want to see it!" She demanded with a shaky voice.

"Addie...I would suggest that we make a blood test and see how far your HCG level  
>has increased. Before we can do anything. It may well be possible that we can see<br>something in a week." Jenny turned off the screen.

"Jenny, I know what that means! My HCG levels were low at the first blood test!"  
>She dressed and stormed out of the examination room.<p>

"Don't you want to run after her?" She looked distraught. I didn't want to know  
>what she probably thought of me.<p>

"Jenny, we all know what that means...She never told me that her levels were low."  
>If I had known it, would I have gone back to New York City?<p>

"Derek, she wants this baby so bad. You should support her...You should try it at  
>least..I will do an ultrasound again in a week, but I can't guarantee anything...But<br>you're a doctor..you know those things. And now, excuse me. I need to find Addie."

I sat all alone on the uncomfortable hard chair. Was I relieved that Addison might  
>had lost the baby or the embryo hadn't developed? What would I do if she had a<br>miscarriage? Would I stay with her?

Frustrated I ran a hand through my hair.  
>I hated my life.<br>I had to look for Addison, I couldn't leave her alone at this moment - but my  
>thoughts were completely overtaken by Meredith.<p> 


End file.
